Anxiously awaiting the Tim Horton’s Invasion

Some time ago, I wrote about preparing myself for the invasion / terrorists / end-times / bird-flu / hostile BBC takeover of all that we hold dear by stocking up on cost-effective liquor from the duty-free. Well, one invasion that I wouldn’t mind seeing would be a Tim Horton’s invasion. If any U.S. town were poised to be invaded by an omnipresent donut shop, it would be Seattle. Not a day goes by that I don’t wave an angry fist in the air and curse the gods for not making donuts more accessible here.

However, I have come to conclude that several factors, factors which have implications, preclude speedy fulfillment of the great promise of Donuts For All. First, I have quite a while ago come to the conclusion that Seattle is just not much of a donut town. It’s really much more of a scone town. Perhaps this dovetails better with our exaggerated sense of coffee connoisseurship. Still, though, even many of us coffee snobs really want a god-damned donut every now and again. I mean, look at Top Pot.

This, of course, brings me to my second point. The hipster demon in me tells me that I would be a sell-out for not supporting local Top Pot donuts. Now, don’t get me wrong; I love Top Pot for both their donuts and coffee. And I do my share to support them. However, if the numbing number of cafes here has taught us something, it’s that there’s no such thing as market saturation for delightful food and drink. For starters, there are only 3 Top Pot locations and they seem to be doing fine. We could easily support the local brand as well as an infestation of locations by a quality chain. Anyway, sometimes you just want an industrial pastry and Tim Horton’s, though a chain, is quality product.

My recent weekend abdication to Vancouver has once made these thoughts rise to the surface of my consciousness. And again, I have been reminded of the Trickster that is old Tim Horton.

The Tim Horton’s Postulate:

Tom Horton’s are locate at all points in Canada; however, one cannot be found when one is specifically looking for Tim Horton’s.

To wit:

We had trouble finding one, having to walk many blocks from our West End hotel to the nearest downtown Tim’s near Alberni and Thurlow. After that point, when we no longer wanted to find one, we started casually running into Tim Horton’s everywhere. This is by no means a one-time occurrence. I have reviewed previous travel journals, going back about 10 years, and have found this observation hold true over and over.

Perhaps this explains the distinct lack of Tim Horton’s in Seattle. It is not a secret Canadian embargo anymore. Nor is it isolationist, protectionist policy influenced by clandestine operatives working for Dunkin’ Donuts. After all, Wendy’s and Tim’s are the same corporation and, as a result, one can find Tim’s in Ohio and Michigan. Maybe the lack of a Tim Horton’s invasion is simply the result of my want/desire to find one here. For far too long I have pined for decent fast-food coffee and some tasty TimBits. Concordant with the Tim Horton’s Postulate, I am doomed to the unrequited melodrama of a donut-shaped hole in my soul. One won’t appear until I cease in my desire to find one. Only then will they be everywhere.

I’ll get to work on quashing my dreams.

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2 Responses to Anxiously awaiting the Tim Horton’s Invasion

  1. Jake says:

    Your Postulate is excellent and I have no doubts to its validity. But it is not the only issue with this establishment.

    I used to love Tim Horton’s, but I’ve given up on them. While the siren call of the most delicious fast-food lunch combo in the world – a sandwich, a donut, and a cup of decent coffee – is all but irresistible, they simply do not seem to want to sell to me.

    The reasons have been varied, but the result is the same. The most entertaining incident involved a cashier who was convinced the US $20 bill I was trying to pay with was counterfeit. In her defense, it was soon after the new BigHead Johnsons had been introduced, but I would have been denied my meal if not for the presence of a Vancouver police officer in the store, who not only vouched for the bill but also snickered at the cashier for her officious overvigilance.

    This was 5 years ago, and was the last time I successfully purchased food from a Tim Horton’s.

  2. dannyman says:

    Some Canadian-American f!cker whose sister is a meth addict messed with my wife’s head, convinced her she had a crappy marriage, and then took her away to Canada. I may be biased, but I spit on Canada!

    We have some righteous pastries here in Oakland. I do miss Chicago, though. I pity Seattle: so far from donuts, so close to Canada: the land of wife-f!cker-sons-of-draft-dodgers.

    Cheers and Lamentations,
    -danny

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